The Cole Papers, Freebies, August 1995

Hefty haul: The Freebie Patrol filled a hotel table overflowing with trinkets from the supplier set.

Patrolling NEXPO aisles with ticket-issuing Freebie Police

ATLANTA -- First, let's get the unpleasantness out of the way.

A certain Chicago-area software developer keeps giving out newsboy bags at NEXPO. At first it was cute; we gave high marks for originality.

But that was three years ago.

The Cole Freebies Police issued a warning ticket last year, but the bags reappeared this year in Atlanta -- along with a weird rumor that the continuing purchase of the bags was benefiting gorillas. You hear a lot of stories on the freebies patrol, but this tops 'em all.

Well, we have no choice: The bag is stricken forever from The Freebies Story.

There's another little annoyance, now that we're in full rant: Our freebies officer, who this year took to hauling a cart around to carry all of the stuff, reports that at some booths she was rudely informed that the company's freebies were for customers!

Get outta here. You think newspaper executives came to Atlanta, ready to write checks to the company that gives the best freebies? Hell, no. The industry can't be bought that cheaply.

(The Freebies Police can, but you blew your chance. However, do keep us in mind for next year.)

And now, for those generous firms that responded positively to the plaintive wail of our freebies rep, the awards:

Weaponry: ABB Industrial Systems Inc. So many Swiss Army knives were let loose on the floor this year that we feared a gang war might erupt. Wifag, PRISCo, Machine Design, ABB and Mid America Graphics -- all press and post-press suppliers -- gave out knives.

ABB's entry was a leather-encased, major-class salesman-sticker.

In the other end of the Georgia World Congress Center, the peaceable kingdom of pre-press clearly wasn't prepared for the marauding hordes:

*Ingenuity Inc. and Freedom System Integrators gave out razor-studded letter openers which are dangerous only if you're an envelope. No help there.

*For a good defense, Concord Group, a Sun Microsystems reseller, gave out those square yardsticks that make dandy clubs in a pinch. And for close-range fighting, how about those yo-yos from Anitec?

OK, OK, those are no match for the knives -- which means we'd be cleaning up a lot of blood. Thank goodness, then, for wipes from Safety-Kleen -- and for those stubborn stains, a bottle of MiraChem cleaner.

T-Shirts: Tech-Energy Co. Were there T-shirts? Mercy, yes, though only one booth -- Mitsubishi -- had one in the correct size for the slightly pudgy Freebies Policeman. The award, however, goes to Tech-Energy Co. of Cibolo, Texas, for innovative design.

Mouse pads: Mission Critical Technologies. Everybody had mouse pads, which is good since the damn things wear out about every six months. But only Mission Critical Technologies had a customizable pad with a clear plastic cover under which you could put the company's cheat-sheet -- or the picture of your choice.

Bags: PrePress Systems. Nobody had the best-looking bag, though Mrs. Freebies Police is partial to the Information International "No Knockoffs" jobbie. But PrePress Systems had a bag with depth to it -- you could stash a ham sandwich down in there with the literature and still drag it around. And The Bag Which Shall Not Be Named ... shall not be named.

Caps: PressLink. Enough baseball caps were on the floor to outfit an entire Little League program, but they were of dubious quality -- you can tell by the plastic, not leather, band in back. Still, what does a cap have to do? Just sit there. And the NBA caps that PressLink was giving out sat there and looked pretty good.

Pens, nice: TKS/U.S.A. and CCI Europe. These were the lifetime-warranty ballpoint pens by Quill and Garland. Not Mont Blanc, but not bad -- not too skinny to hold onto, either.

We're seeing more of these each year at NEXPO -- a good sign for the economy.

Pens, cheap: DataTimes and Global Press Sales. A nod goes to Sheridan Systems for its Parker rollerball, and several companies gave BICs (which must be coming down in price), but the award goes jointly to DataTimes for its combination ballpoint and highlighter, and to Global Press Sales, for its ballpoint.

DataTimes has attempted this model before, but with a rollerball which dried out prematurely. The ballpoint should be more stable.

Global had a standard ballpoint, with a standard ballpoint refill inside, but the barrel had soft rubber ridges on it that made it positively delightful to hold.

Candy: ABB, again. The company tried to show its sensitive side by giving out Swiss chocolates with its Swiss Army knives, and we bit: hook, line and sinker. Good stuff.

For best candy joke, here's a tip of the hat to SRA International which gave out Atomic fireballs, which made the lining of your mouth slough off, and grape suckers, which turned it blue.

And when you needed it, where was the nearest water? Oh, about 100 yards to the east. Ha, ha, ha.

And now (drumroll). ...

Best freebie of show: CD-ROM disks given out by Software Consulting Services.

CD-ROMs run hot and cold -- the worst are merely text on a screen, the best have audio, video, Smell-o-vision and make a dandy cup of coffee.

SCS gave out a few of each kind: Time's man of the year, Dinosaur safari, games, recipes, fonts, clip art and photos. What's more, SCS had separate sets for Macs and PCs. Splendid.

Second place: The combination electronic travel alarm and flashlight from KBA-Motter Corp. Unfortunately, to get it to work, you actually had to read the instructions and take a little tab off the batteries.

Hey, we're newspaper production people -- we don't do instructions.

-- John Bryan

Patrolling NEXPO aisles with ticket-issuing Freebie Police

From THE COLE PAPERS, August 1995, Copyright © 1995, All Rights Reserved.